I Don't Even Own a Television
This is a podcast about godawful books. Each episode, hosts Jay W. Friedman and Chris Collision sit down with some guests to discuss books that all of them wish they hadn't read. Humor, serious talk, progressive inebriation, who could ask for more?

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For Mothers' Day, the mother of all hanging-out-with-the-band books, I'm with the Band, brought to us by star of page, screen, and earbud, Mara Wilson! It's the book that ties together pretty much every trashy rock book we've done. Ties into a big, skeevy bundle, suitable for the landfill, incinerator, or truck stop book shelf.

Lizard kings, heavy metal wizards, iron butterflies, this one's got it all! Including crabs. :(

Grab your all-access pass for fun, and hop on board the rock and roll train, bound for ... somewhere in California, I guess? The '70s? Backstage? Anyways, whereever we're going, you won't need ... robes. Get comfortable, because it's about to get pretty ... intimate. Turn the incense up to 10, set lights to "seduction" and crank the tunes loud enough to cover the sounds of furry boning. And then listen to this podcast!

Recommendations:

  • Almost Famous
  • You Must Remember This
  • Play It As It Lays
  • Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys Viv Albertine

Music:

  • "Against the Seventies" by Mike Watt
  • "This Ain't the Summer of Love" by Blue Oyster Cult
  • "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa
Direct download: 81_-_Im_With_the_Band.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 5:34pm PDT

Valley of the Dolls spins a tale as old as time: three young women meet, attain world-spanning prominence and fame as, respectively, the world's greatest singer/actress, the prettiest model alive, and a, ah, "European art movie" star, then develop various addictions (including cruelty, attention, and good old-fashioned pills and booze), with various, mostly very sad, outcomes. There was no way we could have handled this one solo, and we were incredibly lucky to have the legendary Maura (@maura) Johnston join us to try to make sense of this hot mess.

Like the movie says: fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night! But a grand one, very grand, with axes to grind, and scores to settle, and unflattering portraits of our friends to paint! Pop a 'doll and get ready to experience the ultimate high, as The Only Podcast That Loves You hops in the candy-pink convertible (with a dog painted on every door), picks up Our Pal Maura, and heads for ... the Valley of the Dolls.

 

Recommendations:

  • The One-Eyed Man, Ron Currie
  • Girls on Film, Julie Burchill
  • Borne, Jeff Vandermeer

Music:

  • "Purple Pills" by D12
  • "Adult Books" by X
  • "Feelgood Hit of the Summer" by Queens of the Stone Age
Direct download: 80_-_Valley_of_the_Dolls_1.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:24pm PDT

We don't normally do this, but given current events, we figured there'd be no better time to dig back through the archives and re-release a classic episode, Bill O'Reilly's batshit thriller "Those Who Tresspass", with special guest Jeb Lund.

Please, join us in 2014; a time before Collision, before segments and fun little jingles. Listen to me Jeb crack each other up talking about what may be one of the most widely distributed pieces of self-insert fan fiction ever created.

And also, fuck Bill O'Reilly now and forever.

(Don't worry, new episode will still be coming out in two weeks as usual, this is just a supplemental bonus.)

Direct download: 13_-_Those_Who_Trespass_Flashback.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:06pm PDT

This episode, we're hitching a ride on up to Boston to tag along with a sassy, tough-guy grandpa private eye, as he attempts to get to the bottom of a mystery involving real estate fraud, a dead gay banker, the dead gay banker's young widow, her boyfriend, a lot of ancillary characters that don't make any sense unless you've read the other 30-odd books in the series, and a lot of looking at women's butts. Alternate title for this episode: Death Comes for Dadventure. Widow's Walk, by Robert B. Parker.

NOTE: this is an older episode from the secret vaults, so please excuse any awkwardness. Life intervened this week, and made it impossible to record a shiny new episode.

 

Recommendations:

  • Girl in a Band, Kim Gordon
  • Burning Fight, Brian Peterson

Music:

  • "Alpha Centauri", At the Drive-In
  • "Telephone", TTC
  • "MMMbop", Hanson
  • "Roundball Rock", John Tesh
Direct download: 79_-_Widows_Walk.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:03pm PDT

In the second leg of our ICP saga, our grease-painted patron points us past the platinum peaks and into the valleys of his following, less successful, records, and walks up to the precipice of admitting "I started smoking weed and found god" but in the end sticks with "we had this all planned out from the beginning and never changed anything about ourselves." Along the way, he describes both putting on weight and losing weight in the most off-putting ways possible, has a few extremely boring feuds with nü-metal musicians and burns some bridges in pro wrestling, and describes it all in the vaguest ways possible. Then the book just sort of ... stops, and we're all very relieved and grateful.

MASSIVE THANKS TO our truly wonderful pals Bill (@sundownmotel) Hanstock and Lemon of the F Plus Podcast for running in, guesting hard, and bringing the ICP heat!

Note from J. W.: Sorry this is late. Editing this episode almost drove me, quite literally, to a nervous breakdown. I'm going through some other shit right now, of course, but the sudden realization that I have now spent more than three hours of my life critically discussing a book about clown rappers was hitting me pretty hard.
I'm better now. And this episode rules. So enjoy it. Enjoy it EXTRA hard with the knowledge that it almost cost me my sanity.

 

Recommendations:

  • Three-Headed Shark Attack, Netflix
  • Six Feet Deep / Niggamortis by The Gravediggaz
  • What We Eat When We Eat Alone, Deborah Madison

Music:

  • "S.O.S." by Abba (the Bill Hanstock theme)
  • WCW Monday Nitro Theme
  • "Something For You" by David Rolfe
  • "Rock Lobster" by The B-52's
Direct download: 78_-_Behind_The_Paint_pt_2.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:23pm PDT

It had to happen, and it had to happen in exactly this way: I Don't Even Own a Television meets the juggalos, as we sit down with with a clown and read Violent J.'s Behind the Paint. Be forewarned, this one goes places we rarely go; and be advised, this is our first ever two-part episode!

Here in part one, IDEOTV prepares an ICP primer. We enjoy endure wallow in the band's early days, ranging all the way from suburban Detroit to slightly different parts of suburban Detroit, described with all the deft language you'd expect (or maybe demand) from the "musicians" responsible for "songs" like "I Stuck Her with My Wang" and "Beverly Kills 50187". Grab a well-chilled two-liter bottle of store-brand soda and prepare to return to a time when you still thought flipping somebody off counted as a revolutionary act. 


Recommendations:

  • "Heads and Straights" by Lucy Wadham
  • "Occultation" by Laird Barron

Music:

  • "Here Come the Gravediggaz" by Gravediggaz
  • "Malpractice" by Redman
  • "Tru Master" by Pete Rock w/ Inspectah Deck
Direct download: 77_-_Behind_bthe_Paint.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 3:22pm PDT

You're guaranteed to get a kick out of retired pro football placekicker Jason Elam (and his ghostwriter special writing pal Steve Yohn)'s taut Riley Covington thriller Monday Night Jihad! Well, unless things like grade-7 sexuality and Steve-Bannon-grade Islamophobia somehow impede your enjoyment of pulp literature.

Anyway, come with us and meet the team that stands between us and those who would ruin our football games! No, not medical professionals: the terrible terrorists who lurk among us ... on our football teams. This will make some kind of sense eventually. We hope.

Recommendations:

Music:

  • "Madden 2002 Theme" by Pharoahe Monch
  • "Official" by Pharoahe Monch
  • "Lyricists Lounge Freestyle" by Pharoahe Monch
Direct download: 76_-_Monday_Night_Jihad.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 7:08pm PDT

Bit of a change of format this time around, as we bring you our second live event, and our first Bad Book Party! From audience-provided oddities to the long-awaited appearance of probably the most-requested book in the show's history, this is an action- and guest-packed hour or two you won't want to miss.

Thanks to everybody who came out, thanks to Casey for helping us surge past a few technical difficulties, thanks to Andrew at Green Apple Books on the Park for getting the event ball rolling, thanks to Green Apple Books on the Park for being gracious, flexible hosts (with super-shouts to Colin), and thanks to all our amazing guests:

Recommendations:
We recommend that you come to our next live show!

Music:
Various production cues from "Ren & Stimpy"

Direct download: 75_-_Live_Bad_Book_Party_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:58pm PDT

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Prepare to grapple with the gods* as we're joined by comics writer and major dude Christopher (@xtop) Sebela to discuss the sleaziest rock bio we have ever seen, the legendary No One Here Gets Out Alive, by Jerry Hopkins and Danny Sugerman. From dong-flashing to Dazig, this conversation has it all!

*Second-division**
**At best

Whether you think Jim Morrison was a modern-day Dionysus or just the original fat man in the bathtub (with the blues), this is a show you're guaranteed to enjoy! (NOTE: guarantee not valid if you think Jim Morrison was good or important.)

Also! Mark your calendars, because I Don't Even Own a Television and friends are throwing a Bad Book Party at Green Apple Books on the Park in San Francisco! This free event will be at 7:30, Saturday, February 11, 2017, and it's going to be more fun than not going to it, that's for sure. Come out! Join us! EVERYONE will MAKE IT OUT ... ALIVE!

 

Recommendations:

  • Dave Davies, Kink, An Autobiography
  • Nick Kent, The Dark Stuff
  • Steve Jackson's Sorcery!
  • Charles Mingus, Beneath the Underdog

Music:

  • "Shut The Door" by Fugazi
  • "Arsehole" by Snuff
  • "The Thing That Only Eats Hippies" by Dead Milkmen
Direct download: 7420-20No20One20Here20Gets20Out20Alive.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 7:58pm PDT

Timeline

Years ago, at a cheap theater, a bunch of us went to see the inexplicable remake of H.G. Wells' classic, The Time Machine. About an hour in, my pal leaned over to me and stage whispered, "I wish I had a time machine!" and I missed about the next 10 minutes of the movie because I was crying / wheezing out of laughing so hard. Anyway, if you had a time machine, you'd probably want to use it to go back and prevent Michael Crichton's Timeline from existing, because hoo boy is this one a by-the-numbers cash-grab. Most of the clunkiest dialogue we've ever read, a plot that more or less forgets to happen, and more authorial lectures about the badness and madness of academia than you'd expect—or want to sit through.

Anyway, please join us for a trip through Michael Crichton's One Single Idea, in this little medieval-flavored mashup of Jurassic Park and WestWord, a striking dish we're calling ... Timeline.

Also! Mark your calendars, because I Don't Even Own a Television and friends are throwing a Bad Book Party at Green Apple Books on the Park! This free event will be at 7:30, Saturday, February 11, 2017, and it's going to be more fun than not going to it, that's for sure. Come out! Join us! You'll have the TIME of your LINE!

(Note from J. -- Yes, his name is just Jai Courtney, not Jai Courtney Smith. I have no idea why I said that. This will make sense later... in a future timeline.)


Recommendations:

  • Kenny Omega vs. Kazuchika Okada, Wrestle Kingdom 11
  • Moonlight, Barry Jenkins

Music:

  • "If I Could Turn Back Time" by Cher
  • "Backwards Traveller" by Wings
  • "Definitive" by Company Flow
Direct download: 7320-20Timeline.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:29pm PDT

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