I Don't Even Own a Television
This is a podcast about godawful books. Each episode, hosts Jay W. Friedman and Chris Collision sit down with some guests to discuss books that all of them wish they hadn't read. Humor, serious talk, progressive inebriation, who could ask for more?

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From the mind of Rush Limbaugh and four of his closest corporate lackeys comes Rush Revere and the American Revolution, a book in his "Time Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans" series; from across the pond, Kefin Mahon joins us to learn some American history from a book best described as "What if Ms. Frizzle was incompetent and evil?"...

Sneezing, hungry, time-travelling horses, troubled teens in war zones, meat pies with the Continental Congress, custom t-shirts and a history teacher with a disturbing fashion sense: this book has it all! Well, except for a plot, a decent editor, or a discernible reason for existing. But in the end, the real history was the friends we made along the way, wasn't it?

Anyway, enjoy this episode, where a charming Irishman learns about the American Revolution with a couple of revolting Americans and we all endure a book that makes an episode of Carmen Sandiego look seriously sophisticated.

Recommendations:

Music:

  • "Bloody Revolution" by Warlock Pinchers
  • "Horses in my Dreams" by PJ Harvey
  • "Rush, Rush" by Paula Abdul
Direct download: 8620-20Rush20Revere.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 10:08am PDT

Answering the question "Wha happens when you try to write a taut horror-thriller but forget to finish it and just publish your initial collection of scenes and scenarios instead?" it's ... You Were Warned, a couple hundred pages of hard and fast incompetence from the minds of James "The Franchise Maker" Patterson and Howard Roughan, "The Freshmaker."

WARNING: this book makes zero sense. WARNING: it's impossible to explain the cliche-per-page rate here. WARNING: it says right on the cover not to look. It's good advice.

Anyway, this is our first experiment with the works of James Patterson, and, without saying too much ... this is now a James Patterson-cast. So please join us as we ignore the warnings and plunge ahead into an unadulterated world of positively portrayed adultery, laughing girlfriends snarking on scarfing sushi, visions of dead dads and pulsing body bags, and trucks named Bob. Sound good? No? Well, anyway, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Recommendations:

Music:

  • "Girl, We Made a Promise" by Sunday Shoes
  • "Photograph" by Def Leppard
  • "Warning" by Notoroious BIG
Direct download: 8520-20Youve20Been20Warned.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 10:39am PDT

From we, the podcasters, for you, the listeners, I, the Jury, by Mickey Spillane. Did You Know: Bad books actually have been around for more than 50 years!? This episode, we we dive into the past and journey to the source of a LOT of the kind of books with narrator/protagonists who take great pride in the thickness of their wrists.

Nasty, brutish, and short, this is a book with all the narrative momentum and coherence of a game of Clue, but with all the cruelty and harsh language of a game of Monopoly. It makes for a zesty, pesto-like episode, as your hosts respond to Mike Hammer's rough brand of street justice with their own inimitable blend of wit, talking shit, and spit (-ting hot fire!). Make some coffee and pull off your clip-on tie, because it's time to get judgey with the case of ... I, the Jury.

 

Recommendations:

  • Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale
  • Norman Mailer, The Executioner's Song

Music:

  • "Streets of San Francisco" by Henry Mancini
  • "Flipside" by Freeway
  • "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel
Direct download: 84_-_I_The_Jury.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 2:55pm PDT

Call shotgun, but only if you've got one, because it's time for IDEOTVPOD to hit the open, post-apocalyptic road with our latest men's adventure trip, D. B. Drumm's Traveler #5: Road War. We're under assault from every angle, with buffets of hot first draft prose, torrents of serious horror violence, and dollops of good politics (amongst sprinkles of bad).

So pop the clutch and tell the world to eat your dust, because we're grabbing John Shirley and blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated hot rod with a book that has everything short of the protagonist finding somebody's keys tucked into the sun visor of their vehicle. Come for the seriously fun pulp satire, but STAY for your hosts talking trash about everything under the sun (and mixing in a couple-three impressions that may (or may not) surprise you). ALSO: this episode has the debut of a great new feature that we're sure to remember to do going forward, a moment where we dedicate the episode to somebody!

Further reading: long, good interview with John Shirley; incredible resource about pulp fiction.

 

Recommendations:

  • The Fire Next Time, James Baldwin
  • Meek's Crossing, Kelly Reichardt
  • Schismatrix, Bruce Sterling

Music:

  • "Transmaniacon MC" by Blue Oyster Cult
  • "Highway Star" by Deep Purple
  • "A Rose for Emily" by The Zombies
Direct download: 8320-20Road20War.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 7:52pm PDT

If you cross a plague of locusts with a parade of nonsense, what do you get? The answer does not lie in Scott "Dilbert Guy"'s bizarre tract God's Debris. Nevertheless, we were delighted to welcome back our resident religious scholar Lauren O'Neal to try to get some meaning out of a work that truly seems intended to make you think... Unfortunately, mostly what it makes you think is "geez, is this book dumb".

Laughs abound as we sit down next to strangers on the bus and get an earful about the nature of time, the essence of probability, the "women be different than men" problem, and the Deliveryman's Code. No, it's not a season of Futurama; it's infinitely worse than that. (Even the last couple seasons. Yes, this book longish pamphlet is that bad.)

Recommendations:

Music:

  • "Know It All" by Lagwagon
  • "Tight Like That" by Clutch
  • "Blow Your Mind" by Ohana Bam
Direct download: 82_-_Gods_Debris.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 8:35am PDT

For Mothers' Day, the mother of all hanging-out-with-the-band books, I'm with the Band, brought to us by star of page, screen, and earbud, Mara Wilson! It's the book that ties together pretty much every trashy rock book we've done. Ties into a big, skeevy bundle, suitable for the landfill, incinerator, or truck stop book shelf.

Lizard kings, heavy metal wizards, iron butterflies, this one's got it all! Including crabs. :(

Grab your all-access pass for fun, and hop on board the rock and roll train, bound for ... somewhere in California, I guess? The '70s? Backstage? Anyways, whereever we're going, you won't need ... robes. Get comfortable, because it's about to get pretty ... intimate. Turn the incense up to 10, set lights to "seduction" and crank the tunes loud enough to cover the sounds of furry boning. And then listen to this podcast!

Recommendations:

  • Almost Famous
  • You Must Remember This
  • Play It As It Lays
  • Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys Viv Albertine

Music:

  • "Against the Seventies" by Mike Watt
  • "This Ain't the Summer of Love" by Blue Oyster Cult
  • "Valley Girl" by Frank Zappa
Direct download: 81_-_Im_With_the_Band.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 5:34pm PDT

Valley of the Dolls spins a tale as old as time: three young women meet, attain world-spanning prominence and fame as, respectively, the world's greatest singer/actress, the prettiest model alive, and a, ah, "European art movie" star, then develop various addictions (including cruelty, attention, and good old-fashioned pills and booze), with various, mostly very sad, outcomes. There was no way we could have handled this one solo, and we were incredibly lucky to have the legendary Maura (@maura) Johnston join us to try to make sense of this hot mess.

Like the movie says: fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night! But a grand one, very grand, with axes to grind, and scores to settle, and unflattering portraits of our friends to paint! Pop a 'doll and get ready to experience the ultimate high, as The Only Podcast That Loves You hops in the candy-pink convertible (with a dog painted on every door), picks up Our Pal Maura, and heads for ... the Valley of the Dolls.

 

Recommendations:

  • The One-Eyed Man, Ron Currie
  • Girls on Film, Julie Burchill
  • Borne, Jeff Vandermeer

Music:

  • "Purple Pills" by D12
  • "Adult Books" by X
  • "Feelgood Hit of the Summer" by Queens of the Stone Age
Direct download: 80_-_Valley_of_the_Dolls_1.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:24pm PDT

We don't normally do this, but given current events, we figured there'd be no better time to dig back through the archives and re-release a classic episode, Bill O'Reilly's batshit thriller "Those Who Tresspass", with special guest Jeb Lund.

Please, join us in 2014; a time before Collision, before segments and fun little jingles. Listen to me Jeb crack each other up talking about what may be one of the most widely distributed pieces of self-insert fan fiction ever created.

And also, fuck Bill O'Reilly now and forever.

(Don't worry, new episode will still be coming out in two weeks as usual, this is just a supplemental bonus.)

Direct download: 13_-_Those_Who_Trespass_Flashback.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:06pm PDT

This episode, we're hitching a ride on up to Boston to tag along with a sassy, tough-guy grandpa private eye, as he attempts to get to the bottom of a mystery involving real estate fraud, a dead gay banker, the dead gay banker's young widow, her boyfriend, a lot of ancillary characters that don't make any sense unless you've read the other 30-odd books in the series, and a lot of looking at women's butts. Alternate title for this episode: Death Comes for Dadventure. Widow's Walk, by Robert B. Parker.

NOTE: this is an older episode from the secret vaults, so please excuse any awkwardness. Life intervened this week, and made it impossible to record a shiny new episode.

 

Recommendations:

  • Girl in a Band, Kim Gordon
  • Burning Fight, Brian Peterson

Music:

  • "Alpha Centauri", At the Drive-In
  • "Telephone", TTC
  • "MMMbop", Hanson
  • "Roundball Rock", John Tesh
Direct download: 79_-_Widows_Walk.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:03pm PDT

In the second leg of our ICP saga, our grease-painted patron points us past the platinum peaks and into the valleys of his following, less successful, records, and walks up to the precipice of admitting "I started smoking weed and found god" but in the end sticks with "we had this all planned out from the beginning and never changed anything about ourselves." Along the way, he describes both putting on weight and losing weight in the most off-putting ways possible, has a few extremely boring feuds with nĂ¼-metal musicians and burns some bridges in pro wrestling, and describes it all in the vaguest ways possible. Then the book just sort of ... stops, and we're all very relieved and grateful.

MASSIVE THANKS TO our truly wonderful pals Bill (@sundownmotel) Hanstock and Lemon of the F Plus Podcast for running in, guesting hard, and bringing the ICP heat!

Note from J. W.: Sorry this is late. Editing this episode almost drove me, quite literally, to a nervous breakdown. I'm going through some other shit right now, of course, but the sudden realization that I have now spent more than three hours of my life critically discussing a book about clown rappers was hitting me pretty hard.
I'm better now. And this episode rules. So enjoy it. Enjoy it EXTRA hard with the knowledge that it almost cost me my sanity.

 

Recommendations:

  • Three-Headed Shark Attack, Netflix
  • Six Feet Deep / Niggamortis by The Gravediggaz
  • What We Eat When We Eat Alone, Deborah Madison

Music:

  • "S.O.S." by Abba (the Bill Hanstock theme)
  • WCW Monday Nitro Theme
  • "Something For You" by David Rolfe
  • "Rock Lobster" by The B-52's
Direct download: 78_-_Behind_The_Paint_pt_2.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:23pm PDT

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