I Don't Even Own a Television
This is a podcast about godawful books. Each episode, hosts Jay W. Friedman and Chris Collision sit down with some guests to discuss books that all of them wish they hadn't read. Humor, serious talk, progressive inebriation, who could ask for more?

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Outlaw of Gor

With a kind of ... lugubrious inexorability, rough-hewn, thick-thewed hosts J. W. Friedman and C. Collision thrust themselves into the rugged world of John Norman's Gor, where the tawdry pages of Outlaw of Gor await us and our stern attentions.

A true legend in the universe of bad books, the Gor series avidly answers the question "what if Edgar Rice Burroughs but with the racist bullshit cranked to eleven and a huge amount of really badly handled bondage and domination fantasies interspersed with heavy, heavy quantities of bad philosophy?" It's basically the perfect book for us, is what we're saying. If only it weren't so plotless and dull...

Also! We would like to announce our next live show! We're hosting a Bad Book Party at San Francisco's Green Apple Books on the Park, Saturday, February 11, at 7:30 p.m. It's totally free, is gonna have a bunch of rad guests (Niko from Sunday School Dropouts, Lauren Parker, Lemon from The F Plus -- and that's just the ones we're announcing now!), and is going to be the most fun you can have in the month of February.

Saturday, February 11, 7:30 p.m.
Green Apple Books on the Park
1231 9th Avenue, SF CA 94122

 

Recommendations:

  • Ursula le Guin
  • Search Party

Music:

  • "Whip It" by Devo
  • "I Can't Dance" by Genesis
  • "Sex Dwarf" by Soft Cell
Direct download: 7220-20Outlaw20of20Gor.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:41pm PST

Ender's Game

Our holiday tradition rolls on as we encounter yet another massive science-fiction hit, as we, with help of shadow producer Casey Occhialini get all up on Orson Scott Card's Hugo and Nebula winner Ender's Game. Ender's Game is about a young boy and a sociopath — but I repeat myself — who fears his brother, is in love with his sister, and enjoys provoking young boys into confronting him and then murdering them. Also he enjoys video games! Which turns out to be important and good, because playing video games is just like leading people into battle. Which he also does.

Anyway, we enjoy the fast fun and frantic action of this inexplicably well-regarded tale of children screaming fart-related insults at each other while occasionally pausing to wonder "Wait. What the hell is going on here?" and trying hard to avoid wading (too) deep into the world of Ender's Game's politics. Anyway, change into your sleep uniform and join us in the Battle Room, where the answer to everything is to remember, because reasons, "The enemy's goal ... is down." (Oh High Commander is this book ever dumb.)

Recommendations:

Music:

  • "E.T. Boogie" by Extra T's
  • "War is Our Destiny" by St. Vitus
  • "X-Ray Vision" by Clutch
  • "War" by Edwin Starr
Direct download: 71_-_Enders_Game.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 12:19pm PST

Five Nights At Freddy's: The Silver Eyes

Your dynamic duo, J. W. Friedman and Chris Collision, take on the terrible twosome of Scott Cawthorn and Kira Breed-Wrisley in Five Nights at Freddy's: The Silver Eyes. You'll need to hop into the Mystery Machine and load up on Scooby Snacks to solve the mystery of what the hell is going on in this novel of PG-13 horror, non-existent intrigue, and multiple trips to a diner to hang out. But what Cawthorn and Breed-Wrisley don't understand is that ... we're not locked in a pizza place / arcade featuring terrifying animatronic beasts with iron grins and red (red, not silver) eyes ... the terrifying animatronic beasts with iron grins and red (red, not silver) eyes ... are locked in here with US. (SPOILER: what's going on in this novel of PG-13 horror, non-existent intrigue, and multiple trips to the diner to hang out is, mostly, a thesaurus-humping answer to the eternal question: "What if Frankenstein, but stupid?"...)

Also! We announce the winners of the NaNoWriMo Bad Writing Contest! We reference interviews! We look at pictures of dogs on air! J. trolls Clsn by recommending something! Plus all the gamified hijinx you expect — and deserve! It's a pre-holiday present that we hope you'll enjoy.

 

Recommendations:

  • Neal Stephenson, Seveneves
  • Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea

Music:

  • "Freddy's Dead" by Fishbone
  • "Fred's Mood" by Milt Jackson
  • "Mr. Roboto" by Styx
Direct download: 70__-_Silver_Eyes.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:54am PST

The Girl on the Train

Ah, the rhythmic clickety-clack of rail travel, the chuggety comforts of trains, the suburban father's hobby! At least that's what we assumed we were going to experience when we took on the recent publishing sensation, Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train.

However, what we discovered was a real Rashomon, a real jigsaw puzzle of multiple perspectives and realities, a real, real set of girls, but gone, daddy, real, real gone. Okay, that wasn't true. This was NOT a book about ladies who ought to be described with any hipster talk; that was a misleading lie and we apologize. Anyway, this semi-successful account of man's inhumanity to women and the toxic effects thereof turns out to be good fodder for us to get off track, even if the book is freighted with stuff that got us steamed (as though it had been engineered for us). We conducted ourselves well, we think, and were stoked to take on this boiler.

Grab your tickets, keep an eye on your luggage, and enjoy the ride. (Honestly, that's good advice for life, not just for listening to this episode.) All aboard!

Recommendations:

  • Lost Signals
  • Seriously anything, Patricia Highsmith

Music:

  • "Train in Vain" by The Clash
  • "Jump Around" by House of Pain
  • "Locomotive Breath" by Jethro Tull
  • "Tootsie Roll" by 69 Boyz
Direct download: 6920-20Girl20on20the20Train.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:59pm PST

NANOWRIMO Special Bonus Episode

We asked for it and you gave it to us, one fairly brutal paragraph at a time, and now here it is: your friends J. and Clsn reading more than 30 (!) entries for our First Ever National Novel Writing Month contest! No notes could do this one justice, so just slip into your favorite podcast-listening mask and don't forget that you've got that bowl of soup in the microwave, because it is time to hear what the minds of the IDEOTVPOD Community can come up with when asked to write bad paragraphs. This time, we're all winners!

Direct download: 69.520-20NANOWRIMO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:23pm PST

The time has come, and it won't stand still: after a couple years, we finally go for the big money, put Rush into the limelight, and turn the camera eye to Clockwork Angels by Neil Peart and Kevin J. Anderson. Our first novelization of a concept album -- yes, you read that right -- this fly by night book-like object had us losing it. (Literarily, it's not exactly a high water mark. In fact, each time, it required substantial freewill to turn the page. Even if you're in the mood for something like this book, most of this book isn't working, man. If only we'd had some distant early warning that would have prevented us from making memories about this stupid thing.) Our grand designs to leverage our lifetimes of Rush fandom (one of many of our open secrets) to go on a witch hunt at Rush's expense end up revealing many lessons, and some tears.

Anyway, please enjoy this podcast that we made for you, no strings attached: it's something for nothing. Also please enjoy the two thousand, one hundred twelve hidden Rush references we packed in beneath, between and behind every available cranny and nook. In the end, it's our mission to inspire all of you to force ten of your friends to listen to this episode. But do it gently, with kid gloves, and don't rush things; observe life's mystic rhythms and subdivisions, and remember that getting smarter isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

 

Recommendations:

  • Blood Red Turns Dollar Green, Paul O'Brien
  • Certain Women

Music:

  • "Rush" by Big Audio Dynamite
  • "Roll the Bones" by Rush
  • "Meat Grinder" by Madlib
  • "Rush, Rush" by Paula Abdul
Direct download: 6820-20Clockwork20Angels.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:00pm PST

Tori Amos: Piece by Piece

This Halloween, put down your flying broom and pick up the pieces -- Piece by Piece, by Tori Amos and Ann K. Powers! With special guest and Tori Amos expert Lauren Parker, J. and Clsn take a magic carpet ride through a wonderful patchwork tapestry cauldron, bubbling with diversity, myths, magic, big business, the sacred feminine, Robert Plant, the circus, hair metal, football (which is what they call soccer in England, it turns out), and a whole heaping pile of goddesses.

Not your usual rock book, and definitely not the book version of a making-of DVD extra for a long-forgotten album, except exactly, precisely that, Piece by Piece just might rock you -- to sleep! Come: tune your piano; tend your moistest garden; and tour the seething volcano of Piece by Piece with us.

 

Recommendations:

  • Love Is a Mixtape, Rob Sheffield
  • Emma Ruth Rundle, Marked for Death
  • Violet is the Color of Your Energy, Nadia Bulkin

Music:

  • "My Piano Horror", a Youtube Video of a Piano Recital
  • "Lush Life" by Stan Getz (with elements of "The Guys Get Shirts")
  • "Witchy Woman" by The Eagels
  • "White Girls" by The Mighty Casey
Direct download: 6720-20Tori20Amos.mp3
Category:comedy -- posted at: 3:05pm PST

The Rats

Stowing away in your earbuds, gnawing at your stores, and leaping from your dark corners at your tender ears, it's James Herbert's The Rats! A verminous return to the kind of bad book that's always the best: the kind where, every couple pages, somebody nearly has sex and absolutely gets eaten by giant rats.

If you ever wanted a book about mutant rats invading the slums of London, then The Rats is for you — and if you didn't, what are you doing listening to IDEOTVPOD, anyway? It's time. Grab your flashlight, pull on your heaviest gloves, and come with J. and Clsn on an exploration of two hundred of the rat-infestedest pages anyone has ever seen. It's time for ... The Rats.

 

 

Recommendations:

  • Rebecca Solnit, Infinite City: A San Francisco Atlas
  • Helen DeWitt, Lightning Rods

Music:

  • "Rats in the Cellar" by Aerosmith
  • "Rats" by Clutch
  • "Hot Rails to Hell" by Blue Oyster Cult
  • "Rat Bait" by The Swimming Pool Q's
Direct download: 66_-_The_Rats.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:00pm PST

Forever Pucked

As voted on by our supporters on the IDEOTVPOD Patreon, this episode we're strapping on our pads and skating around the tough issues posed by Forever Pucked, by Helena Hunting. Ice-cool customer Rachel Millman fleshes out our team as she and J. and Collision try to score on this ribald tale of work, marriage, family, violence, hockey, and raunch. A lot of raunch. More raunch than we've ever confronted (or, in some cases, enjoyed) before.

Yes, this is a novel of romance — hockey romance — with a comedic bent. So, as the nights grow longer harder and the days trend colder, it's time for us all to cozy up to our best, longest, largest hockey sticks and start slapping ... shots.

Extra thanks to great friend of the show A. A. Freeman for bringing this raucous ride to our attention, and it's probably worth noting that this particular episode brings more than a soupçon of naughty from the first second, so, uh ... headphones? Headphones.

Recommendations:

  • Slap Shot
  • Atlanta
  • The Goon

Music:

  • "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate
  • "Pony" by Ginuwine
  • "Detroit" by Rancid
  • "My Game" by Hanson Brothers
Direct download: 65_-_Forever_Pucked.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:17pm PST

Level 26: Dark Origins

What lurks beneath the bottom of the barrel? Well, we checked. Turns out that beneath the barrel's bottom slithers Anthony Zuiker's Level 26: Dark Origins. This episode, we're sneaking into the villain's dungeon, conveniently located in 2009, when it, apparently, seemed like a good idea to let the guy who made up CSI get together with his buddies and make this exceptionally book-like object, supplemented with zero-budget video clips, high-school-notebook-level drawings, and an attitude towards sex and violence best described as HOLY CRAP THIS IS AWFUL WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

Episode highlights include: A PATENTED DIGRESSION! Clsn failing repeatedly to learn how to pronounce "Zuiker"! A book that includes the description "sick son of a bitch"! Book highlights include: when civilization collapses (next Tuesday), you can probably cook a pigeon over it, if you can catch a pigeon. And start a fire. You know what? Nevermind. Eat a potato instead; much easier to catch than a pigeon.

NOTE: this book is truly bad, and contains a lot of material about violence, including sexual violence. If you are sensitive to material like this, you may want to avoid this episode. (We certainly wish we'd avoided this book.)

 

Recommendations:

Music:

  • "New Level" by A$AP Ferg
  • "Cut Self Not" by Faraquet
  • "Cheesecake Truck" by King Missile
  • Theme from "Law & Order"
Direct download: 6420-20Level2026-20Dark20Origins.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:00pm PST

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